Wow,



It's been more than a month since I last posted. 

It's weird - you get caught up in everything going on, and you forget why you started this in the first place. For me, I started this TO forget what was going on - or at least to have an outlet for it all. 

Things have been going really well, save, of course, a few hiccups here and there.  I met Kris for dinner before Christmas and Hartman knew I was going.  He sent me an email and we spoke about it.  Somehow, someone got that email, made up a fake email address, then manipulated and forwarded that email, deleting any mention of Hartman, to Bryan with the subject matter, "Jennie is not as she seems...read on".  The email then went on to insinuate I was having affairs with three to four different men. Hartman swears he didn't manipulate and send it.  But I know I didn't, so I have no idea who could have done it. The thing is, is Hartman often leaves his email open on his work desk, and I wouldn't be surprised if someone saw it and forwarded it to his / her own email, with the intentions of sending it to Bryan.  Funnily enough, whomever sent this email sent it the first day I no longer worked there. Bryan knew I was going to dinner with Kris - that's not anything I would hide - but contrary to the manipulated email, nothing happened.

Other than that, all is pretty well.  I have started my new job, which requires a 10-minute streetcar commute. I absolutely hate the days when the streetcars are so full, people are pressed up against each other. I also hate, how, the back of the streetcar has room, but some idiots in the front won't move down. Then, you have the people in the front pushing past the idiots, so new people can get on the streetcar.

It's not the best thing to deal with at 8 in the morning.

Bryan is supposed to move in March 1st.  However, I think I'm getting cold feet.  I've spent this week alone because I wanted some time to think about things - to decide whether this is a good move or if it's a huge mistake.

I keep wavering.

Yesterday, Erik wrote:

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sounds like such a difficult situation.. :(

there are lots of great people in the world, so I am sure that you could fall in love with two people at once.. and it must be very difficult to love two people at once...

you just need to take the time to determine who is best for you.. this may take one month, 6 months, 2 years... but it is very important not to rush!

as you say, the worst thing in the world is to get married and realize afterwards that you made the wrong choice.. in the future, you will know who is the right choice and it will become clear, but just make sure you take the time to be certain

p.s. I think Bryan is the right man for you :) just my "male intuition" at work. hehe
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Today, I received an email from Bryan, who's currently in Mexico (funnily enough, I had two emails at 10:30pm tonight - one from Bryan, one from Kris). Bryan wrote the following:

Sorry to hear you are in such a cold mood...and I have a feeling it has to do with more than getting caught in the rain. I had a terrible sleep last night. I felt troubled on the inside...like something isn`t right. Most would attribute it to bad mexican food, but that`s just not it...and I don't think it's the job thing either.

It`s weird, I feel like something not right with you, only because up until this point in time, that feeling has been spot on.
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I handed in my resignation this morning. As of January 15th, I'll be a Producer for a new network. I was having such cold feet, then my new Creative Director from the new network came to talk to me and for a few minutes there, everything was clear again. Everything was right. It was like, this was the job for me. And it's funny, because he stopped by on his way to the airport to catch his flight to Denmark, just so he could find out my decision. It's fascinating to go to a place where your boss really seems to respect and like you. My current Creative Director saw me today and actually turned around and walked in the opposite direction. It was quite amusing, watching her regress into the days of grade five.

Of course, today was the day when everyone was walking around, giving out Christmas cards and gifts. Of course, being such a mess lately, I hadn't purchased either for anyone. So, I've got to say - for everyone who sent me a card via post, or left one on my desk, or dropped one off - I really appreciate it and love it and I love having all these people in my life - even if I don't buy Christmas cards.

Went to Montreal this past weekend on a trip I won at a volleyball tournament. Bryan and I left on a Friday afternoon and arrived in Montreal around 6pm. Had dinner at 9pm and spent three hours in a cute little French restaurant called "fonduemental". I had a game plate, he had surf and turf (sounds so much better in French). Anyway, we slept in until 2pm on Saturday, which totally cut into our shopping time. We had to be back at the hotel at 6pm because we had seats (centre row, four rows up from the ice, right beside the penalty box) for the Pens / Habs game at the Bell Centre. Gotta say, have a bit of a crush on Sheldon Souray.

Anyway, that's all really boring.

Got an offer letter for a Writer / Producer job today. The job has all the benefits I have now, such as, well, benefits, and pays about 10% more than I make now. However, I have to commute. I have to take the King streetcar for about 20 minutes to get to the office. I'm 80% sure I'm going to do it. I need to hand in the paperwork tomorrow, and here it is, 11:16pm, and I'm still debating pros and cons. I have this nervous feeling inside, like I could stay where I am and be comfortable, but really, I feel I should branch out, grow my career, and challenge myself to see if I can truly be brilliant.

Met up with my ex, Kris, for dinner last night. He just returned from Mexico. He brought me a candle and a silver bracelet, which adorns my wrist right now. And he misses me. And I told him about Bryan. And then, I cried, because the two men whom I have loved most in my life, now stand before me, ready to be everything to me, ready to have me be everything to them. And one second, I want all of that with Bryan. The next second, I want all of that with Kris.

Kris said he couldn't not have said anything because he couldn't just let his life pass by without going after what he wanted.

Bryan texted me from Mexico last night, telling me to pretend I was sleeping on a beach with him in Fiji. He told me the other day we would go to Fiji for our honeymoon.

I used to laugh at those silly girls on those reality shows who couldn't decide which guy she liked best, because I was always like, shouldn't you just know? But here I am, trying to push aside reasoning, trying to listen to my heart. It tells me I have fallen in love with Bryan. It tells me I have always loved Kris. It tells me Bryan's lifestyle is more like mine and we understand each other and we want the same things in life. It tells me Bryan takes care of me and thinks of nothing else in the world but me. It tells me it will hurt if I let him go. But it still beats for Kris. However, getting over Kris the first time was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't have the strength to do it again.

I told Hartman today I knew I would end up marrying one of these two men. Obviously, he joked that I should marry the one who didn't care if I ended up hanging out and falling in love with him (meaning himself, Hartman). But I was being serious. Some people don't even fall in love once, and here I am, in love with, and being loved back, by two completely different men.

Someone once said you couldn't live your life in fear of not getting what it was in life you really wanted. He said you had to face the fear if you wanted that which would make you happy.

My fear is not choosing wisely. My fear is choosing the wrong man. My fear is, one day, realizing my heart belonged to someone from my past.

I had my company Christmas party a few days ago. We ended up going to Maro, the new restaurant where David Adjey runs the kitchen.

Gotta say - the place was spectacular! Soaring ceiling, great colours, wonderful vibe.

Gotta say - was expecting more from the kitchen. Hors d'oeuvres were great, but I only found one person out of the many I asked who actually liked the main course.

Haven't started my Christmas shopping yet.

Is it just me, or did December hit early this year?

Erik sent me a comment saying not to go back to my ex, but also to slow things down with Bryan.

And it's weird, because as long as Kris isn't around, I'm so happy and comfortable with Bryan.

I know I can't go back to what I had with Kris, and I think Erik's right in that I shouldn't go back to him. However, that's so easy for me to say right now since Kris is in Cuba and I haven't had to think of him for the last week.

I received an email from Bryan a day after the phone call. Here are some excerpts:

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You have tried to break-up with me twice already, let me save you from having to do it again.

2-1=1. You can take all the time in the world to figure out what it is you want. I'm just not going to wait around in the wings for you to decide.

This way you won't have to be tortured with the decision of having to choose. And besides, love isn't a contest.

Kris plays volleyball, shares friends, has money and apparently your heart as well. What more could you possibly need?
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After receiving the email, I immediately contacted Carol and asked her opinion. Her is a bit from what she wrote:

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Circle of friends change over time, interests and hobbies converge and diverge as well. Bryan's justifications are all just excuses. He probably doesn't really want to end it, but doesn't want to get blown away by heartbreak either. Were you hoping he would break up with you so you didn't have to do it?
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Yet through all of this, I felt so sick to my stomach, like maybe I was making a huge mistake. I emailed him and asked if we could talk.

Which we did, for about six hours.

And since that day, he's spent every night with me at my place, every free moment with me, every step beside me.

If Kris was a test, we passed the first round.

And I'm ready to handle anything that comes my way.

Last Thursday, I subbed in on my friend, Steve's, volleyball team. I'm standing there, when in walks my ex-boyfriend, Kristobal (I don't know what I called him before, but this is what I'm calling him now - obviously, this is not his real name).

Anyway, it's been five months since I've spoken with Kris. Long story short, we agreed to meet for dim sum the following Sunday.

We sat at a table for two hours. After, I lied and said I was going to a friend's place. I was actually on my way to Bryan's hockey game. I don't know why I lied. Yes, I do. I didn't want to rub the fact I have a boyfriend in Kris' face.

So, I went to the game. I went to Bryan's house with him. But I was somewhere else.

Kris came by last night. He had gone to Yorkdale Mall on Saturday and stopped at Sephora, knowing he was going to see me the next day. He bought me a Cinnamon Buns lip gloss by Philosophy. He dropped it off for me. I gave him some of the mail that'd come for him in his time away.

He slowly moved closer to me on the couch. It took everything I had to stay away from him. He asked me what I wanted from him while he was away (he's going to Cuba and Mexico for three weeks, leaving tomorrow). I said, "Nothing". Then, remembering one of our conversations from two years ago, I asked him for seashells. Small ones. Small ones on a necklace. He hugged me and his face was a few inches from mine. I averted my eyes, knowing how upset it'd have made Bryan, had I cheated on him. He kissed me on the forehead and left.

Today, we agreed to play volleyball together again.

My friend, Andrew, told me I need to end it with Bryan. He said the moment I saw Kris again, everything with Bryan was over.

Since last Thursday, everything with Bryan has been a bit off. I haven't let him touch me. He's been buying me things, making me dinner, staying over every night. And at one point yesterday, he said I was "back". Like I'd been gone somewhere. And that's true - I have been gone. I still am gone from him.

And while he's planning on buying a house in the Beaches for us to live in, I'm wondering if I can go down that road.

At the same time, I wonder if I can go down that road with Kris - or if that's even something he wants.

The phone just rang. I just got off with Bryan. I told him everything. I told him I need time. I told him I need to sort this all out. I told him I was trying to understand this - that these are the two guys I've imagined spending the rest of my life with, and I don't know what to do.

Is this enough to see my life?

Before you punch me in the face for what you must consider an unsolicited temper tantrum I want to explain the trigger. It was something that once bugged you too. I remember eating lunch in the Scotia cafeteria and you saying, 'doesn't it bother you that Melissa and those guys are always stirring the pot, putting you down in the staff meetings - treating you like (an idiot)?'

But what happened in that there edit suite today? I was near frothing because I had no idea what you were telling me to do tomorrow; why I had to stay away, something about producer prostitution and how I might say something to embarrass you? I still don't understand that. I think you should check with this TV man, you might be surprised to learn that meeting emerging independent producers like me is no sweat off his sack, especially if he's as nice as you say he is.

So why do you treat me like a baby? And why were you challenging me about Oscar, and then ignoring me about a crazy affair movie. And then being a dick about how I should behave around your cool friends. Why are we so passive aggressive - and I mean we? I said it was a substitute, for me, but why for you?

... please read the rest of this...

I suspect I'm getting poor treatment for reasons you've explained before. You confided you turn off the friendly when guys get too serious. So be it. I can respect your need for attention that doesn't border on obsession - but I wish you'd change this tact with me. I don't seem to be handling it under the circumstances.

I feel like I'm falling right back to where I was ten years ago when I thought sexy was mean and being confrontational about everything under the sun was interesting. We should listen to ourselves through other people's ears in our office. What used to sound like fun banter has turned into something way less amusing I suspect.

I genuinely like you and I do flirt with the idea that I'll love you forever - and maybe cause life is long I may get to hear you say you love me one day.

But the reality is I'm not doing very well lately. It's the constant poking and jousting. It's not only distracting me from the real way I want to be with you, it's hurtful. what was that you once joked outside Winners? "I should charge you for going out with me" -that's what I get for using you for a movie idea? your contempt? Well, my story, right now, it's not anything like what I hoped for. Its not harmless first of all and the pleasures are way too controlled and sparse. What happened to my getting an opportunity to immortalize your feet for example? The thing was supposed to be a bit wild and adventurous. And while I'm talking about the writing - what does your blog say about me. My reckless behaviour must if nothing else be a draw? Are you getting more hits lately - Are we in your last act?

I'm gone soon and obviously it's hard for me - the thought of losing my workaday routines with you is haunting me. that day you found out I was dispatched I saw how sad you were. Why hide it behind barbs. And while I'm milking here, how bout not forgetting things and blaming it on the goiter. If I'm important enough to keep around as one of your dudes, write shit down -and don't be so blase about forgetting things I've told you over and over - funny coming from me?

AND stop excusing yourself for sending me job offers to shoot retarded married couples, or invitations to take expensive trips to detox a polluted brain, just because you don't bother reading down the script - Consider your unintentional message. I'm starting to distrust you right when I want to be closer.

Ultimately I believe this all has something to do with your new motto - You won't encourage me, I know, that's your big thing- but you know I need no encouragement. I love you no matter what. It's unconditional botch. And even if you shit on me one hundred heaps, I'll still love you, cause I'm a sic fuck, I know you love Bryan and it's important that I respect that fact more - and now that he's pot free!!! everything is looking better for you two. But please remember what I'm in this for. I just want to keep sharing a little love with you - the real kind founded on trust, respect, openess and truth - the kinds best friends share - not that we're best friends, cause if we were you'd invite me over for tickle backs and pasta. Still I won't give up on all the good stuff. no more adversarial shit. I got stuck in a relationship like the one we seem to be sharing right now a long time ago -with Sacha...anyway I couldn't get out no matter how abusive it got for a lot of sick reasons including my own ability to crank up the drama, and my constant openness to friendly fire - and with you in back off mode right now, I'm becoming bad again. I don't want to say goodbye this ugly way we did today. I'm sorry our Set To included me telling you to fuck off twice. I have a dirtier mouth than mind sometimes. But you really hurt me today, most likely, you didn't mean to, but you did. Can we try harder? Is it worth it? If it's a deal breaker, I'll stop with the inappropriate 'you drive me wild stuff'...and just focus on being your true buddy. I love you Jminty - and in this case, its not a sin! Jesus told me so.


P>S. - should you be feeling open to it again, I'll fag it up for you at one o'clock tomorrow. If I made it impossible, sorry.

K?

What a wild week!

Monday - I was feeling a little sick (actually, it started last Sunday, so I took a whole bunch of cold medication before I went to sleep. Obviously, I was super groggy on Monday morning - so much so, I called in sick). Bryan worked for half a day, then came over with a whole bunch of crap for us to watch and some crap food for us to eat.

Tuesday - Went to work. Since I'm such a bad liar, everyone at work found out I didn't come in on Monday, pretty much because I was drowsy on drugs. I went to volleyball that night, where I spent my time ignoring what our v-ball sub was saying to me. The first week he came, Boner slapped my ass, so new sub figured it was fine to treat me that way as well. So, here's this creepy stranger, making perverted comments, thinking everything's all right and it's okay for him to speak to me that way. Easy solution - tell him he's messed up and I don't appreciate the way he speaks to me. However, I'm such a chicken and afraid of people not liking me, of course, I say nothing, but I still complain about it.

Got home and Bryan was there with Maddy, so felt better. Watched television, went to bed.

Wednesday - Went to work absolutely exhausted from the weekend and week before. However, met up with Bryan after work and proceeded to go to Massey Hall to watch the Kid Beyond and Imogen Heap concert. Met up quickly with Rodney afterward, got home after midnight.

Thursday - Went to work still exhausted. Met up with Josie at 5:45pm and drove to Bay and College, where we met Pam for food and drinks. By 8pm, I was almost falling asleep at the table. Of course, Pam wanted to keep drinking, so I struggled to appear awake and interested in everything that was going on. Got home and Bryan was there. Talked for a while, went to bed.

Friday - Once again, totally tired. Fell asleep, sitting upright in my chair, three times at work between 4:30pm and 5pm. Went to the Raptors v Atlanta game. Since we were sitting centre court, 12 rows up, I managed to stay awake. Got home, was exhausted, but stayed up until around 2am.

Saturday - Woke up at 6:45am for a volleyball tournament. Met Boner downstairs at 8:15am and chugged back the coffee he brought me. Spent the day being double blocked by a pair of 6'4" dudes (of course, we didn't set any blocks on their female hitters) and laughed when I actually hit one over them. Bryan rented a car to come and see me, however, by the time he got to Mississauga, our final game had already been over for 20 minutes. I went to watch him play hockey at 10pm, and then we went to his friends', Scott and Liz's, for drinks.

Scott, Tom, Bryan and I left Liz at home with the baby and headed to Mono Loco's, where there was a pornographer party going on. One of the girls who was dressed like a ho came up to me to welcome me. Of course, with all the lesbian action going on, I stepped back and put the three boys (Bryan and Scott are both around 6'2", 6'3" and Tom is about 6") in front of me as I spoke through the wall of man. Got us a round of drinks and Bryan stayed close as other than the five girls dressed like whores, the place was full of horny, BO'd dudes, waiting for a gal to touch them.

After deciding the place smelled like male juice, we headed over to Murphy's Law. I tripped on the stairs, Scott was totally incoherent, Bryan was yelling along with the band, Tom was flashing some private parts, and a group of girls cornered me to have an interesting conversation. This went on until around 2:00am. Bryan grabbed my stuff and told me we were leaving. Tom and Scott were still wasted at the table, Scott's eyes half shut, but his hand, holding a beer. The girls told me I was really hot and the coolest chick they'd ever met, and asked if they could have my e-mail address. So, I handed my business cards to a group of girls (interesting), gave a zillion people a hug, and my boyfriend dragged my drunk ass into the car. I don't remember anything after that.

Sunday - woke up this morning with a sore body. The tournament really wiped me out. Bryan and I went shopping at Sherway Gardens, then made our way back to Scott and Liz's for dinner. Drank a few bottles of wine, tried hard to appear awake, then left to come home.

Sitting here, finished doing some cleaning and returning calls from earlier this week, waiting for Bryan to finish his hockey shinny and for him to go grocery shopping, and come home with some food.

There's a weird face twitch I have going on and my dog is being a botch. I'm burning a strong incense and hoping Bryan comes home soon so I can go to sleep.

And then beginning tomorrow, it will start all over again.

Friday night - My brother came from Ottawa. He was going to a Raptor's game. Knowing fully well Kelly was coming for the weekend, he decided to throw all his stuff in the guest bedroom before she could claim it. Bryan and I had just gotten back from Paula's birthday celebration at the bar and were changing into comfy clothes when Warren walked in. He had two friends with him. He asked me if I wanted to meet them and since I was in comfy clothes, I said no. He said "Fine," left, but then, two minutes later, unlocked the door and bombarded in with his two buddies. Luckily I always look good, or else I'd have been embarrassed (jokes, pure jokes).

Saturday morning - Bryan and I wake up at 6:45am. I had a volleyball tournament in Mississauga and Boner was picking me up at 8:00am. I walked into the living room to find more of my brother's crap everywhere. He yells at me from the guest bedroom, telling me my place is too bright.

Boner and I head to Mississauga Secondary School, where the tournament is being held. We see Jay, Rodney and Kelly. We go undefeated in the round robin, then lose in the semi-finals to a team we had beaten in round robin.

My favourite comments from the day are as follows:

Boner - Hey, the grand prize for the raffle is a trip for two to Montreal and two premium tickets to the Canadiens vs Penguins game in December.

Jennie - Great.

Boner - But there are six of us on the team. How are we supposed to split that prize?

Jennie - Are you dumb?

Boner - Oh. It's the raffle prize. As I just said. Not the tournament prize.

Jennie - Good work, Boner.
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(After our first volleyball game)

Kelly - Hey! That team has four guys and two girls. Is that allowed? Don't you have to play with three girls?

Jennie - Do you see a third girl on our team?

Kelly (as her face slowly changes from confusion to realization) - Oh. Right.
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So, the team that ended up winning was one in which three of their players came from me. Don't I deserve part of the prize for that?

That night, we went to the team dinner, where I saw a woman I used to work with at Ryerson. My team stuffed their faces, missing the actual v-ball presentations because we were eating our third helpings of food heaped onto plates.

Susan comes over and tells us the raffle is about to start. Since Kelly bought tickets, we decide to head over to the other room where the draw is being held. Boner and I pass the women selling raffle tickets. I feel badly that I haven't bought any, since all proceeds are for charity, so I take $20 out of my wallet. Boner takes out $10 (which I take), so we end up with six tickets. He rips the strip in half and gives me the top three.

We go into the full room and sit down. Jay wins 10 prizes before the grand prize is called. He has two tickets left for the huge hockey weekend he wants to win. Kelly wins twice. She has two tickets left. Boner and I just sit there.

Finally, the grand prize ticket is being drawn. Christina, the woman getting people to pull the tickets, walked up to James, the MC, and says "The guy over at the end table pulled it, I swear".

James looks at the ticket and says, "This must have been the last ticket sold. The number is 2614".

So, I look down, then jump up and start screaming. Everyone's staring at me cause I must look pretty stupid and I'm screaming like a banshee. I rush up the front, point at Jay, and laugh. Then I hug the girls in the front and hug the luggage. I trip on the way back to my seat and fall into Bryan. The MC is describing the seats (four rows from the ice, beside the penalty box. You'll see Crosby and Malkin close up). I say, "Are those baseball players?" which ilicit boos and laughter from the rest of the room. But I'm just happy because I'm the grand prize winner.

Which is funny, because Bryan and I were talking about going to Montreal in December, anyway. And now, our accommodation is paid for and we get wicked tickets to a sold-out game. The last game I went to was a Leafs game in the 90s, in which I fell asleep for all of regulation and just woke up for OT.

And it was weird - while celebrating the one sport in life I've always been passionate about (volleyball), I won a trip to the one sport in life Bryan's always been passionate about. And it happened through a series of occurences with friends - I wouldn't have bought tickets had Kelly not had some and needed to hear the raffle. Had Boner given me the bottom half of the tickets, he would have won. I was wearing Jay's coat, so I took some of his luck. And the trip was for Bryan and me.

We get home, and my brother has typed up a note and taped it to the guest bedroom door. "Le Chambre de Warren. Kellay, stay out."

Kelly - "Who the hell is Kellay?"

She proceeds to rip the sign down and throw his stuff out into the living room.

They both left today around 11:30am. Bryan and I went to Yonge and Eglinton for brunch (went to a place called "Meating", which was incredible!) I saw Holly, Rob, Wendy, Jay and Kevin, which prompted Bryan to ask me if I knew everyone in Toronto. And I have to admit, for a big city, it's really not that big.

We were in Restoration Hardware looking at bedroom colours when we decided to lean on the railing on the top floor. We were discussing how wonderful it'd be if that was our house, how Maddy would be running around and how we could play hide-and-seek with our kids. We talked about how I'd yell at him from upstairs to see if dinner was ready. And then Imogen Heap came on the radio (and I've never heard her on the radio). And we're going to the Imogen Heap concert on Wednesday.

Whether it be a person, sport, idea, it's good to be in love.

Feeling a little weird, lately.

Kind of wondering if everything I've been thinking has been real.

Kind of questioning what I think I've been feeling.

Waves of nausea, confusion, disenchantment.

And I have to ask myself why I always do this.